I am not a Feminist.

To this statement, women who are one will always ask the ‘ultimate’ question in an effort to clinch the argument for once and all: ‘Don’t you believe in gender equality? If yes, you are a Feminist too.’ Very few women will ever give an answer in the negative to that….to which a smug happiness settles into their beings.

Well, maybe I am the only woman who will answer in the negative. No, I don’t believe that we can achieve equality, gender or otherwise. We humans as a race are far low in the level of consciousness to consider others as equal. We shall forever discriminate each other on the basis of gender, colour, race, creed, religion, money and other petty or mindless things. ‘Equality’ now and in the next few centuries will remain an utopian concept. Even most of the communist countries or states have failed in proving otherwise.

What I am dead against is… being Unfair. It’s unfair to treat women with so much violence, it’s unfair not to be able to lead a free life, it’s unfair to knowingly exploit people belonging to the ‘lower caste’ or treat them with disdain, it’s unfair to abuse little kids, it’s unfair to forcibly evict tribals from their land and life.   

To all women (and men), feminists or otherwise, I will say that I am a person first and a woman later. I have chosen to live my life my way and not because I have faced and hence forced by subtle discriminations against me. I Have chosen not to rise up the corporate ladder and not because of an invisible glass ceiling. I Chose not to climb Stok Kangri solely out of fear and not because others thought I was not as good as the ‘guys’. I Chose not to get married at the age when everybody else did and not because I did not have any ‘value’ in the marriage market. Since my childhood I have vehemently opposed and questioned people or ideas and beliefs that put me or my life is a societally-defined bracket.

To all women (and men), feminists or otherwise, I will say why do you have to be ‘equal’ to men! Why do men have to be the ultimate benchmark to which women have to strive for? If you really push me to tell, then I will say that I consider women to be far superior as human beings than men ever will be. Why would you want to be equal to somebody who usually is aggressive, perpetrator of most things bad and depraved, who likes violence and thrives on war, who likes to break law and do all things wrong. We have an entire history of civilizations and nations ruled by men and I am sure most will agree that the world is Very Far from being perfect.  

Deep in my heart I have a firm belief that the only way to right all the wrongs is to let the women come up and take control. We will not only have a much peaceful and a beautiful world, but we will also have ‘equality’ as you have envisaged it….in its truest sense.

Yes, I am a person who is a woman and a proud one at that. Just don’t bracket me so simply as a Feminist.      

Tiger Conservation for Dummies:

Why should we save The Tiger? Well, the explanation is as simple as this.

 (A bag with a message on conservation made by the women of a village near Pench National Park. These bags were made as part of the alternate livelihood program by Satpuda Foundation Volunteers) 

There’s always a predator on the top of the food chain in an eco-system....in India it’s the big cat. From the tiniest microbes found in the soil to the main predator, everybody and everything has a role in the eco-system and each is dependent on the other. So, predators help in keeping a check on the growth of the herbivorous population who then will not over-graze the forest land as a result of which many plants, trees, fungi, ferns, insects, birds and microbes etc can flourish and make the forest healthy or balanced. A healthy forest is always rich in water as trees help retain and conserve water. And a healthy food chain means a healthy forest which means lots of water!

So when people like us shout ‘Save the Tiger’, we actually mean ‘Save your life by saving the forests’.

Simply put, if there are lesser forests, there will be lesser rain and lesser water (surface and ground) leading to many seasonal rivers and lakes drying up. And for urban city people whose educated children think water comes from tankers, this learning will come way too late. 

We, the human species, are an aberration on Earth. We do not contribute to any eco-system. Instead we have always taken and destroyed the very place we are dependent and live on... just like parasites. As E.O. Wilson said, ‘If all of mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos.’

We need our Earth and nature to live and survive. Nature does not need us.

The sooner we understand and respect this, the better for all of us.  

Some of the key and the last of the virgin forests / bio-diversity regions in India like Western Ghats, Central India Forest belt and the Eastern Himalayas are under deep threat from rampant illegal mining, giving out forest land for SEZs, power plants and other projects and increasing human population which have already greatly reduced these forests and key animal corridors. To top this, the government wants to destroy whatever is left to dig out coal for electricity.  If you want to do your bit to save the forests, start by being a part of this.

Philosophy of Charity 2 - Why and Who of Donation:

Usually the first response I get from people when I tell them that I now work in the social sector, is – “Oh! NGOs have a lot of money, people are always travelling abroad!”  The next response is a very skeptical question – “So what exactly does your organisation do?” Even before I can answer, I know that I have lost the person because he/she has already made up his/her mind that all NGOs are dubious (financially) or are leftists who are anti-development.    

As far as charity is concerned, for me there are four categories of people (non-social sector). First, there are the evolved minds who keenly follow issues and actively participate in it. Second is the type who donates but only in the name of God, thinking perhaps his sins will be forgiven if he gives Rs.1000/- to the temple and Rs.1/- to the beggars outside. Third, are the people who spend most of their lives running after money, designation, the next house or car or foreign holidays and hence neither have the time nor interest in anything else. Fourth, is the lot who wants to give back to the society but do not have much idea about how to go about it or are very skeptical of the social sector. It’s them who end up asking me questions like above.

To this last lot I will say that they are only partly correct. Partly correct because yes, there are many NGOs who have dubious operations or no clear cut strategy or thought through projects. There are many who change their projects depending on what the funding trends are. On the other hand, there are many more NGOs who are doing excellent work at the grassroot level and are so passionate that they keep working despite the lack of funds.

What would you say about a team of ex-AIIMs doctors who left their plush jobs to give medical help to the tribals of Chhattisgarh at subsidised rates? Or about the person who has tears in his eyes every time he talks of the chemical toxins dumped in the creeks of Konkan that has killed all 120 species of fish leaving the fisherfolks with no livelihood? Or the woman who fought against bias in her family and now helps the women of rural Rajasthan to lead a more free life?  

The solution lies not in being skeptical but in understanding the sector, the way it works, the pros and cons of donating to a type of organisation, finding a cause and sticking by it. Let me clarify.

1)      Like everything else in the country, the social sector has also seen a wave of change. The ‘jhola-chaaps’ of the 50s-60s do not exist anymore and neither is it flush with funds like in the 80s-90s. India has moved from being an under-developed to a developing country. Most foreign countries have stopped funds because as the government says – we can take care of ourself.  Also there is a belief that foreign funds are being used by NGOs to protest against government policies especially if they are ‘pro-development’.

2)      The sector itself is pushing for more transparency (financial) within. Most good NGOs have external audits done by third party and publish the result in its Annual Report. There is a consortium of voluntary organisations called Credibility Alliance who acts like a governing / monitoring body. All NGOs are now being encouraged to get certified by them after meeting their strict standards. So if you are unsure, look for an NGO certified by them.

3)      Many people I have spoken to want to give directly to the affected community / beneficiary just to be sure that the money is not going elsewhere. So people will send books or computers to schools or give generators etc. But if children don’t know how to read, the books or computers have no meaning. If farmers don’t have money for buying seed, the generators are useless. NGOs work to ensure that this doesn’t happen and that the positive effects are long term.

4)      There are many good grassroot NGOs who require funding but whose existence people are not aware of. The best way to reach them is through funding organisations like Oxfam India, Action Aid India or gateways Give India. These organisations have extensive reach, knowledge and works as per well defined policies and strategies.  

5)      But why fund a funding organisation? Most funding organisations work on two fronts – various programs at the grassroot level which are monitored regularly on progress and funds utilisation; secondly, it engages with various levels of the government to keep a dialogue going on what is right, what is wrong and how things can be improved. Well, to put it very basically, most changes in laws have happened over time because apart from others, the social sector has actively pushed for them – like Right to Education Act, RTI, Sexual Harassment of Women at Workplace Bill, Forest Rights Act, Protection of Children from Sexual Offences Act etc.

6)      Whether you like it or not, the fact remains that a certain portion of your donation will always go to cover administrative costs like rent, office equipments, tea, salary and yes, that occasional trip abroad. Before you let out a large groan of disgust, just think, where else will the NGO get the money from? Everything has a cost attached to it and just like you, people in the social sector also have needs, bills to pay and families to take care of. You will also not do free service after some time. As for the international trips, it’s very much a part of the job – just like you do in your corporate job or otherwise.

7)      Lastly, always keep in mind that change doesn’t happen in a day especially in a country like ours. It takes years and years of constant effort and sometimes public protests to just bring social issues to the fore. Have faith in your cause and have faith in those people who work hard for it.        

I left the media sector because I found it shallow and the abuse of money blatant. Many times I was given offers for all expenses paid trips anywhere or a certain percentage of the advertising budget in return for exclusive business to them. I would have left the social sector on the same grounds if I found that finances are mismanaged.   

But I am still here and loving every moment of it.

Vikalp Sansthan works to change the attitude of not only women but also the men and youth of rural Rajathan to bring a holistic change in the attitude of society and stop violence against women.

Parivartan works with the fishing community of Konkan to help them find alternate source of livelihood.

Jan Swasthya Sahyog works in Bilaspur to provide subsidised medical care to tribal communities there.

Satpuda Foundation works to save the forests and wildlife of Central India

Greenpeace India works at the policy level directly through campaigns and petitions

I am me:

Many years ago, my mother had once commented that I was a bad and good person in equal measure. I took it as a compliment then because I had started to believe that I had no good side left in me anymore. Years of working with unnecessary tension, rabid clients, superficial people and colleagues with ‘hey, I am so cool’ attitude and lifestyle, had turned me into a person I myself couldn’t recognize. I had developed a second skin and lived the life of this second skin. This skin was perpetually angry, seldom confident, filled with self doubt and a mind which was a vortex of all kinds of escapist thoughts. I believed that what I said or did was always right and I found it difficult to say sorry to others. The worst part of being this skin was that I made my mother and my closest friends suffer the most.

It was my yearly escapes to the high mountains of the Himalayas that kept me sane. It was these snow peaks that made me dig deep into my soul and help me acknowledge that something was wrong. I would throw all the Whys of life onto its rugged folds and deep valleys….and they would forever silently take it all in, encouraging me to find my own answers. This search to find my own answers led me to quit my job and backpack across South India for almost two months – the first step of my long journey to return home – to myself.   
    
A friend once told me that the only person who stops you is you. It took me a while to really understand this but when I did, I let go. I let go of my need to stick to a career, I let go of my need to hold on to money, I let go of my ego and my need to prove myself right, I let go of people and my heart so that I could connect with many more. My anger dissipated because if you actually start seeing things from an outside angle, you realize the senselessness of it all.

Yes, I have lost the ability to be competitive, the edginess which helps you reach the top of your career. Infact I do not have much of a career and I do not know much about the future. But my friends say that I look content.

Because after so many years, I am content.

I am me. 
 

 

Vipassana is one of the most difficult forms of meditation but a highly effective one. The best part is that it’s not connected with any ‘ism’ and is free of cost. They take donation at the end of the course which can be Rs. 1 or Rs. 10,000 or as per your capacity.

Pointing Fingers:

Dear Mr. Karan Thapar,

I read your personal opinion in the Hindustan Times today regarding the need to take a deeper look at ourselves as a society and change our attitude towards women in order to stop their continuous humiliation. I must applaud you for having such an evolved mind. I also agree that in the longer run, changing mindset is what will work for us. But the question which the nation is asking about is Now, not the ‘longer run’.  

I want to ask you a question. Just how many times have you actually travelled in local buses of Delhi or walked the crowded streets of Lajpat Nagar or ever tried taking auto at night in places like Uttam Nagar or Rohini? My guess is that neither you nor anyone in your family would have done that. I have spent 16 repressed years in Delhi before choosing to live a more free life in Mumbai and in those 16 years, I lived the life of a common middle class girl doing all the above and more. So, can you even begin to imagine the humiliation I felt when as a 19 years old naive college student, I was masturbated against in a local bus in full view of everybody and I had no idea what to do? Or would you ever know how it feels when you walk down a street in broad daylight and guys on bike come from behind and grope you? Or the terror you feel when the auto driver suddenly takes you off the normal route and down a deserted, unlit road at 8 in the night? Or the feeling of frustration when you roam around your locality for an hour trying to shake off a stalker because you know nobody will help?

You talk of changing attitudes, especially the mothers. An NGO which works on the issue of violence against women once told me that it took her 10 years to make the women in villages of Sawantwadi to introspect and accept violence as unnatural. These women had accepted abuse as a way of life and had no idea that a better society existed (if at all) outside. And now you expect them to be the torch bearers of change? Tell me, how many of us who are educated have the ability to really introspect and change themselves? So, can you imagine these women who are not educated and have never seen a life without a form of abuse to first change their thoughts and then change their sons’?

You talk of changing attitudes, especially the mothers. Let me tell you three stories that I have come across in the so called educated metros.

A well educated Bengali guy (parents’ only child) worked as a manager in one of the top private banks. He was addicted to S&M porn and forced his newlywed bride to all that he saw on screen. When asked by the NGO, he said that he can do whatever he felt like because she is his wife. His parents were scared of his anger.   

A judge of a High Court often beat his daughter at the slightest pretext. Neither the girl’s brother nor her mother had the ability or strength to defend her.

A husband regularly beat his wife because she had a small room in her name which he wanted to possess. In order to punish her, he forcibly made their teenage son and daughter watch porn with him. He also passed lewd comments on his own daughter in front of everybody.

Dear Mr. Thapar, the current state of the Indian Society as I see it, cannot be simply explained as the result of it being a patriarchal society. The malaise is much much deeper. Why else would a society have gang rapes on children or sexually abuse both girls and boys? When I read this article, I was terrified because this does not have as simple a solution as changing attitudes.

You are perhaps right. We cannot ask our leaders to help because many of them are criminals themselves and won’t let the axe fall on them by changing laws. We also cannot ask the police force to help because as the Tehelka story suggests, they are worse than our tormentors. So with our leaders and protectors out, it leaves us with only you, Mr. Thapar and like minded people like you to help. You have two important media at your resource. Why not use it to influence people and work towards your solution your way?

If you can even change the mindset of any one of the three people I have mentioned above, I will forever look up to you as the evolved mind that you are.

But till that time, please stop playing the Devil’s Advocate to the better half of the country’s population.

Yours,

 A common woman on the street

For Mumbai women: Dial 103 for help, Railway Control Room (locals): 022-23004000

Women across the country, know your rights and insist on their implementation (most of these are really strong and in your favour): Protection of Women Against Domestic Violence Act, Sexual Harrassment of Women at Workplace Bill, Protection of Children from Sexual Offense Act

In Maharashtra, almost all districts’ SP’s offices have a special cell for women and children who are trained to handle cases of violence against women in any form. It is always advisable to go to them for help than go to a general police station as they are more sensitive and better equipped to handle cases of crime against women and children.

How important is your ‘ism’?

Can a country with so many religions be truly secular or for that matter can a religious person ever be secular?

Here my definition of religion as I have understood it over the years – faith (often blind) in one and only one particular way of reaching out to God or a supreme being. The ‘ism’ in that faith makes a person do a whole lot of rituals or ceremonies, sometimes without ever questioning them or even trying to understand the meaning behind them.  There are a lot of people who do understand and believe in the rituals etc, but then they end feeling that their chosen path is supreme and the rest are not really up there yet.

Secularism for me means keeping all those ‘ism’s aside and looking at a fellow human being as a human being first and not let his/her ‘ism’ get in the way.  

My father is an atheist and my mother religious. We recently went to Shirdi at my mother’s request. Being a pilgrimage town, there was a feeling of piety and a vague sense that all of us were there for the same reason. But what disturbed me was an underlying sense of madness, of religious fervour. Sai Baba disregarded religious orthodoxy and rituals putting more emphasis on self realisation, charity and being a good human being.  I am not too sure I saw any of this there. People did exactly what they were not supposed to do ... follow rituals. Offering garlands worth Rs.500 or 1000 is not really charity. Not maintaining roads within the city limits even when so much money is pouring in is not really being good.

For some reason which I can’t fathom (I do want to blame media to an extent), I feel that people across faiths are getting more and more ritualistic. The Diwali, Navratra, Id or Karwa Chauth celebrations, all are getting more elaborate and showy.

In my experience, the moment you take the path of self-realisation, all the rituals and celebrations cease to matter. When I was a kid, my father had sat me down and told me that there is a rationale behind everything, that I should question things including God and never to follow anything blindly (exactly what Pi’s father told him in the book Life of Pi). My mother’s belief in her God helped me keep my faith in a powerful being. But it was my inherent Hindu-ness (not the ‘ism’ but the philosophy) which led me to experiment with almost all faiths and various other esoteric ways in order to find myself.  Finding myself did not mean that I became a good human being without faults but that it helped me see the goodness in others and try and accept them as they are.

So I question people or a nation (ours) who term themselves secular.  The notion on paper sounds good.  But if not implemented in practice makes you question as to why the word is there in the first place. The first step towards self realisation is to acknowledge and accept your current state of being. So it is time that we as a nation acknowledge the fact that we are not really secular, that we are more a nation of multiple ‘ism’s co-existing.

It took me more than three decades of search to get my answer. So for all of us as a society to collectively reach a state where we can truly call ourselves secular, will probably take an era. But starting now is imperative.

How to Travel Responsibly:

I sometimes go on weekend treks in the Sahyadris (the Western Ghats)....short breathers from the chaos of hectic city life. In one such trek, a young couple (in their 20s) while taking a short rest, opened an energy bar and threw the wrapper in the surrounding forest. When reprimanded by the trek guide, the young chap said apologetically, “what to do....it’s become such a habit.”

I will not get into a tirade as to how throwing wrappers around has become a ‘habit’ for educated youths but these very ‘small’ habits can make a huge impact on the places you travel to.    

Last year I went to Arunachal in Sept on a volunteering holiday and met some of the friendliest people in India including Tapi Mra  (an Everester). The teenage girl who took care of us in a lovely homestay in Tawang told me that it’s difficult to deal with tourists from the plains especially the Bengalis because of their constant cribbing and demands.  

In the first instance, you are adding to the pollution and environmental degradation while in the second, you are not only not understanding the local community or culture but also creating a bad impression of yourselves and others who come after you.   

The joy of travel is when you see a place or destination from the eyes of the people living there and from accepting what nature has to offer you.

                                                                (an old woman in a Monpa village in Tawang)

Here are a few things you can do or not do while travelling to make it meaningful for all.

1)      Reduce your carbon footprints – Yes, it’s difficult to do so now a days when  most of us do not know till the last minute whether we are going for that vacation or not. But guess what, no one is indispensible....hence with careful planning you can prepare for that trip well in advance. Take a train (I can already see the look of horror in the eyes of my well to do friends), a bus or a shared jeep.  Not only do you reduce your carbon footprints, but you get to experience so many interesting things. Walk! That’s the best way to see a place too.

2)      Try and stay in places which are environmentally aware – There are many places which have destroyed hillsides and forests and called themselves eco-friendly. Avoid such places, however beautiful they are. For example, do not stay in a resort which is in the core area of a National Park and throws parties at night for the guests.

3)      Give back to the community – There are many enterprises and organisations which offer homestays. They work with the local communities, give back to them and are environmentally friendly too. This way you can experience the local culture and food first hand. Oh yes, you get luxury homestays too (for those who think that homestays mean sleeping on cots). See links below.   

4)      Accept a place as it is – Stop demanding. (if you haven’t got something which you were promised, then of course you can). If you are used to certain luxuries of home, then I suggest you stay there. Understand the geography and culture of a particular place before you start yelling for more. Remote places like Arunachal or Ladakh might not be able to cater to your constant need for hot water. Accept it.

5)      Go for local cuisine and products – It will help boost the local economy and also help retain the local way of life. And anyway, what’s the fun of having aloo poshto or thepla in the mountains or a desert when you can experience a warm thukpa or a super hot laal maas!

                                                                        (a traditional Kumaoni hut)

6)      Be eco friendly yourself – If you are staying in a hotel for two or three days, then make sure that housekeeping do not change your towels and bed sheets every day. Yes, you like a spic and span place but do you change your towel and bed sheet everyday at home? Also I really do not understand the Bisleri fetish these days in most travellers. Most hotels and even homestays use filter (Aquaguard) which makes water safe for drinking. Yet people will buy bottled water and then throw them out. What I usually do is carry my own bottle and keep refilling them from the hotel filters. And guess what? I am alive and well without any major water related disasters during my travels. (* The water related advice is not for foreign travellers)

7)      Be responsible – of your surroundings and other travellers. I cringe when I hear of large groups going to a forest, drinking and creating a ruckus.  Stay quiet in places where silence is the best way to be. As a woman I feel uncomfortable when I am with people who drink themselves silly on a holiday. It’s difficult for boys to wean themselves away from the bottle....so if you really have to drink, then do so in private.

8)      Volunteer – why not combine giving with a holiday. Of course, you will have to work and stay in really basic places. But on the other hand, you get to see what real India is all about, contribute to the cause you like and travel to places where you will never go otherwise.

9)      Get adventurous only if you know what it entails – Trekking, rock climbing, biking etc are all becoming a fad. Many people attempt it without knowing what to except. I have heard of a story where a girl in the group didn’t realise the difficulty of the trek or the lack of amenities and after three to four days she got herself airlifted by spending around Rs. Five lakhs.  There are dos and don’ts while going trekking, cycling etc. Understand them well.

10)   Leave the world as you saw it – don’t spit, don’t litter (no, not even a wrapper of a chewing gum), don’t fight, don’t shout, don’t crib, don’t cry. Simply travel with your heart.

If you are interested in genuine homestays, check out Rural Tourism Network Enterprise,  Culture Aangan, Uttrakhand Tourism, Grassroutes

For a list of places where you can volunteer while on a holiday check 40 places to volunteer.  For those interested in wildlife, you can volunteer with Satpuda Foundation

For an adventurous holiday, go with Odati Adventures who have a strict environmental code and a deep love for nature.