Friday, 18 January 2013

I am me:

Many years ago, my mother had once commented that I was a bad and good person in equal measure. I took it as a compliment then because I had started to believe that I had no good side left in me anymore. Years of working with unnecessary tension, rabid clients, superficial people and colleagues with ‘hey, I am so cool’ attitude and lifestyle, had turned me into a person I myself couldn’t recognize. I had developed a second skin and lived the life of this second skin. This skin was perpetually angry, seldom confident, filled with self doubt and a mind which was a vortex of all kinds of escapist thoughts. I believed that what I said or did was always right and I found it difficult to say sorry to others. The worst part of being this skin was that I made my mother and my closest friends suffer the most.

It was my yearly escapes to the high mountains of the Himalayas that kept me sane. It was these snow peaks that made me dig deep into my soul and help me acknowledge that something was wrong. I would throw all the Whys of life onto its rugged folds and deep valleys….and they would forever silently take it all in, encouraging me to find my own answers. This search to find my own answers led me to quit my job and backpack across South India for almost two months – the first step of my long journey to return home – to myself.   
A friend once told me that the only person who stops you is you. It took me a while to really understand this but when I did, I let go. I let go of my need to stick to a career, I let go of my need to hold on to money, I let go of my ego and my need to prove myself right, I let go of people and my heart so that I could connect with many more. My anger dissipated because if you actually start seeing things from an outside angle, you realize the senselessness of it all.

Yes, I have lost the ability to be competitive, the edginess which helps you reach the top of your career. Infact I do not have much of a career and I do not know much about the future. But my friends say that I look content.

Because after so many years, I am content.

I am me. 

Vipassana is one of the most difficult forms of meditation but a highly effective one. The best part is that it’s not connected with any ‘ism’ and is free of cost. They take donation at the end of the course which can be Rs. 1 or Rs. 10,000 or as per your capacity.


  1. :) And it is kinda sad that it takes 40 years for a person to become that. I wish sometimes that I was the man I am today 20 years ago. What different would I have done with my life? Perhaps nothing ... or perhaps a whole lot.


  2. I am glad you have found yourself, Bipasha, and are uncovering what is meaningful for you.
    I would love to see some photos of the peaks and folds that helped you find your answers.

  3. Swb: Ahem! I am not 40 just yet! ;-)....but I think its good so long you know yourself. There are way to many people who live life without understanding themselves at all. And perhaps my journey is that long....not others'.

    Bipasha M

  4. Clive...thank you! Pictures of the Himalayas won't do it any justice....its an experience! But you may still see some pics of my 'home' in my photo blog....the link is there on the side...

    Bipasha M

  5. :-)
    Glad to read this, Bips.

    1. glad to see you here Parmanu :-) glad i could clap. ha ha

      Bipasha M